You know what it’s like. To love someone so much that they mean the world. Even when you know that it’s just.. somethig that was never meant to be. From the time you came.. Came into my life. You didn’t storm into my life. You didn’t waltz In either. You slightly slipped in. Not expecting what would happen. What the outcome of a friendship with me would be.
Do you know? What’s it like to hurt? What it’s like to die? How good the thought of death was? you wouldn’t because you haven’t had it done to you. You just done it to others. You were my best friend. I confined in you with everything. I gave you my trust and you showed me that you could be trusted. And you trusted me. It was all innocent.
But one thing led to another.
You know what else? What’s not right..
Remember when we talked about actually kissing each other? You’re the one that actually brought it up. I never did..
You were so enthusiastic. So curious. I was so nervous. Remember.. I was volunteering at camp. You know the one you so happen to work at now? Well. I remember looking forward to hanging out with you because we actually had to talking about it and we left and we talked and we sat down next to chandler elementary.. I ate a yellow starburst because I thought my breath was nasty. And sucked on it for a while even though I hate that flavor.. And we talked about you going tonsixflags that weekend with the church and emma was calling you.. I remember watching the sunset. The summer night was coming upon us. And you just have me that look. This sensual look that was trying to tell me to do it but I couldn’t. I was so scared. I was nervous beyond my wildest dreams. You were so mad. And we walked to your sisters and tried doing it there but you didn’t want to anymore because you were so angry. The trouble I had gotten to with my mom because I just wanted to hang out with you. I don’t remember when it was.. a couple weeks maybe? we had finished working out. Or did we even work out? Noooo, we were going to swim… And we were in the sauna and you brought it up and out of nowhere you kissed me. and I was so shocked but I kept kissing you and i was so blown. You caught me so off guard.
-these still haunt me.. These memories are like a curse. I remember it all.- you pulled back and told me I sucked but you were going to teach me because you were a pro. and we went slow.. really slow.. and you tried showing me. And we went swimming and after into the showers and you kept going and you err nervous someone was going to catch us but how when no one was there? You kept walking in and out so it wouldn’t be suspicious. That’s when it began. It was September and you were having your “tuti” day….I remember making your twitter… And your sister Taylor, she was so pissed I made one. She didn’t want her little sister having one. At first you didn’t really use it then you went on every so and so. “Ayeeitstuti” is what it was.. Shalice421 was your Password.. ThT night before you were going to have yor day you wanted to try somethig else.. you talked to me that way that you talked to other guys before.. And it was so interesting. To the point where I caught up in your game and you were so impressed you were convinced inwas better than you at kissing and making up a scenario. You were so thrilled at my stories. But after a while I got sick of telling them and not doing anything. But I was scared.. then you slept over.. And we went upstairs.. you forgot to take off your ring it hurt a little but still.. You questioned me asking me if you were hurting me. asking if I was okay with it. If everything was alright, the worried look on your face. it saddened me because I didn’t think someone could care so much for me. And I told you I was fine even when I was being cut. And when I told you you felt so horrible. You didn’t want to do it again because you felt so bad that you were “uncareful” about what you were doing but inwas fine. I was going to be okay Shayla. You laid with me and you had me cuddle with you. Hold you tight and it was different to me.
Wow I forgot somethig so huge……..
The second night I ever slept over, we had already talked about just a kiss. And I didn’t think it would happen and we laid in your bed and you told me not to fall asleep as we were watching “dumbest criminals” and you were right there. And I was cradled in your arms. And your face was right there..
I was falling asleep trying to stay awake but I felt our faces sliding.. the small follicles on our faces and I felt the brush of your lips getting closer to mine and they touched.. The warmth and softness of your lips were different. It felt different and I knew I kissed you back.. And yu pulled back and said wow. You are so mad. Yo I didn’t even let me touch you. Talk to you. Nothing. I had a blackberry then. And I was texting Brittany what happened. and you told me to go elsewhere if I was going to use my phone nd I got up and looked at you and said “I don’t know what i did” I guess but I remember attempting to throw the door and walked down the stairs seeing Taylor there. And she questioned what was wrong. I just told her she kicked me out because I was texting and she was mad. Boy did that get her mad. She went to tal to you and I remember I slept with shayla instead because tou went to Bens bed. I remember.. Waking up and talking with Taylor and she said “waking up to your face is the greatest thing ever” and literally made my day but it was so funny.. You went outside to play ball and I wanted to go and taylor knew so she convinced me to go and I went. And I shot around with you and until you said something i sincerely apologized…I remember balling up barefooted in the summer. My foot was peeling at the bottom. Ohh goodness that hurt so bad. Don’t you remember.? I think it was a beemer or an Audi. Or no a corvette. Red. Bright right. Convertible. And you told them that they had a nice car. Hahahaha. You’re such a fool….
we went in the back of your dad’s Audi.. and we talked. And we goofed around and somehow you managed to have your fingers in my mouth and you said you like the way my lips felt and played with them and looked at me with content eyes …
we tried several times. This was 2011. You know how I remember so well? Because it took all of my sophomore year..
I remember your first time it was probably a month after a couple times of me having it done and it was really knew to me.. I you never had it done.. Well. Once. Which broke my heart everytime I remembered…
And I missed and I was so confused and lost and I never felt anyone else before ever.. it was so different. and you were so surprised and you wanted more and more.. and you said “why didn’t you tell me what I was missing out on?” Hahaa.. Who would’ve known it would’ve led you into what you’ve done…. I found out in November you sent a picture to a guy I gave you his number to…..
No. October. October. October. What. December. There you go. October wa the month of my case and I went right to your house after. I cried when I didn’t want to. you cried with me because you wanted to hurt him. Because he hurted me and touched me. and you couldn’t believe it still..
November 11th, 2011. I invited you to church and Abel kept looking at you and you talked to him.. and i was so jealous. So fucking mad. I just walked away. I wouldn’t have cared if I left your ass. And we got home and you asked what the hell was it about. Clearly I was jealous and mad. The way he looked at you I wanted to punch his face. I even have a hole in the wall at church from that day.. I remember you trying to comfort me.. That it would be alright.
I remember crying.. Because I didn’t want to lose you. I don’t want anyone else Lookin at you. No one. But I knew that time was going by fast. That, this wasn’t going to last forger and that’s what got me so upset. 11:11 pm came and I wished that things would get better. I prayed and prayed wished and pleaded that I had a longer time with her.. That it would last long enough that it would be alright. That she would be okay with being open. But it never happened. She sent a picture and it devastated me. I was so cold. So alone. And she cried telling me she wouldn’t so it again. But Shayla you did.. March 1st you did it again. Christmas you have me a best but I got it January 1st 2012. We were so young… We were at church when you gave it to me. I wa so happy with it I slept with it every night.. Valentines day.. Remember when.. haha remember when you have me a chocolate and a note telling me you loved me so much. Signed “your baby, Shahla” I had it for months in my sweater. And I brought you flowers and a little cake that I couldn’t eat. I had a basketball game that day and it was out in monty tech. And I had an allergic reaction. I felt so happy that day regardless because I saw you and it’s all I wanted.. it was one of those ugh forgot the name. It has peanuts all around. Ugh. In march we went to semi. I think it was the 13th. Or 23 idk. Something with a 3. And it was horrible I hated it because inwas so jealous but get so damn mad because you messed around with my ex that meant something to me. It was horrible. I don’t even want to talk about that. Then.. It came……. April first 2012. We stopped it. And I didn’t talk to you bevUe i was watching the hunger games and I cried through the whole movie. I had that little ratchet blackberry.. and you tweeted at me and everything. Texting and leaving messages telling me you loved me and that it’s going to be okay that we’ll be fine And your mom took your phone that night.. And read the messages and that’s when she told your dad and they didn’t want us to be friends anymore.. Remember? You sure seemed fine with it. you were panicking and your family was talking about it. April vacation we snuck out. And you wanted to say goodbye for the last time…………….🙍 but it didn’t feel like it like I didn’t get enough out of me to say it all.. And you kissed me under that tree. 3 in the morning. S flagg street near the little jew place. I was so sad I walked back to my grandpas horribly upset. It wa so dark but it was worth it.. And then.. Again. We spoke a little and temptations kinda got us. And you showed me where you used to live and told me your history as a child.. And all of it…… I pass by it and think about it. I pass by it all and reminisce…….
And that day we were supposed to
Volunteer came and I had to hide around.. So your dad couldn’t see me.. Later that month I remember pleading
To your mom to allow us to be friends. Because you WERE my best friend. and she told me she was so happy when she found a good friend finally.. That she noticed how unhappy and alone she was without me and she said she was going to think about it and the next day she disapproved. But we still talked. Secretly. I had to text you from an app… it was difficult. But when your birthday came we all hung out. You me emely. For your birthday. April 20th. Just before your birthday and idk. It all went wrong. in May you found out something so bad, and we were just repairing what had been broken. The trauma we had endured together. The hiding. Evergthing. Only Cindy knew because you actually talked to someone else about it for once.. Instead of lying and making me look like a psychopath. how did you do that? Tell me you loved me, look me in the eyes multiple times and tell me your love is so immense. You’re infatuated with me. Everything. Does it make you happy? How do you still sleep at night? Why doesn’t it deprive you of your sleep? Why am I stuck with such a curse of remembering all of this. You called me everything, you blew it all in my face. You threw everything like you hated me for so long.. it was two weeks before my birthday. I had tried jumping infront of a car. But I was so emotionally confused. I sat at the park behind the Y. And sobbed. Desperation kicked in. took over. My life was over. My heart was tearing. The ligaments were torn from each other making the pain unbearable. Clenching at my heart did nothing, the tears of hurt felt so good. They felt like an addiction. The only thing that felt real to me. The tears and the pain. Because every thing that you said was so unreal to me. That point I realized that you were no different than him. No different from my abuser. You manipulated me and took advantage of me. You did it all so skillfully. I sat there dying. literally. the tears poured out like downpour from the sky. It was a cool spring evening. and everything seemed alright. But it was too much. The pain was too much for me to bare that no other human would know what to do with such a pain. That not even Advil could help. The thoughts in my mind were racing. Running. at the speed of light. Overflowing me. My mind just went blank. My heart was numbing. I couldn’t feel it. I just felt pain shooting all over my body….. I ran away. And went to your house. I looked to you for comfort… but you just looked at me. With some disgust. Like you didn’t understand anymore like before. Like you were just fed up with my issues. With my tears. You had enough. That point it broke me even more. That’s why I went into a hysterical cries. That day after. I was getting ready to go to a group home and I told you. and you were glad I was finally getting help. Counseling is what I needed. I remember.. I took the bear you gave me. Because it was a good time.. That you actually cared. When you actually loved me. When I actually meant something to you. When you heard my name. It was a warm happy feeling that always made you smile. that you just didn’t want to give up me. because you knew the value of the friendship. I left to the group home on my birthday. I was turning 16. And there I was. No family. No friends. No one I knew for miles. Strangers I lived with. and I missed you. But.. You didn’t even say happy birthday to me.. When I asked you to leave me a voicemail. Nothing from you.. I was given a journal to write. and it as filled with anger and more anger. Anger that built up while inwas there. I was hitting everything. I was retaliating. I was throwing things and yelling because I couldn’t anymore until they put me on antidepressants. You knew I was depressed. But yet you went and called me a crazy psychopath… That killed me.. it was murder. Homicide to the innocent soul that was once Jasmarie. I was so angry. That hatred built up. But.. I still had the bear and cry myself to sleep.. Because I never understood why.. Someone who showed and proved that they loved someone… Could do the most damage than anyone else or any physical pain.. I’d feel physical pain because it’s not always forever and I can take a medicine for it to ease for the meanwhile. But I couldn’t do it to my heart. It killed me. I was on broken pieces. A month went by without talking to anyone beside Marie and I wa so happy to see that she cared. that bear kept me so happy.. All the tears I put into that bear. The secrets. The love. I treated Michelle as my child. As our child. Like we always imagined it would be…